End of Season Survey The Directors Cut

This end of season survey has already been published on Arsenal Times, however it was slightly shorter than War and Peace. That being the case it was broken down into several sections and published as a series.However it can be difficult to follow or refer back to in 5 seperate sections so therefore I am publishing it again as originally written by Celine.

Arsenal Times End of Season Survey 2011

Welcome once again to the centrepiece of any football fans calendar, the Arsenal Times End of Season Survey. By popular demand (well, two people asked me) once again myself, and my round the clock bureau of trained football statisticians, have burned the midnight oil feverishly collating the sack loads of responses from all corners of the Arsenal supporting world, in order to produce, for the second year running, the most finger on the pulse, on the button, football survey on the internet today.

 My thanks to each and every one of you for the time taken to fill in the questionnaire, especially those who gave enigmatic answers like ‘Walcott’ for goal of the season. I spent several minutes trying to determine which goal the person might mean, before, regrettably, ignoring their answer.

So, without further ado, here are the results, and surely the most eagerly waited of all-

Goal of the Season

Perhaps Samir Nasri bases his extravagant wage demands on the Arsenal  Times Survey, because, for the second year running, the man from Marseille with the magic feet has scooped the big one, for his pirouette and back bending finish against Fulham to put us 2-1 up. He also attracted votes for 6 other goals, however, Arshavin gets second place for his side footed effort against Barcelona, and Robin Van Persie lands third place for his improbably tight angled net buster in the same game. These three goals were way out in front with over 75% of total votes. Least likely contender was Bentdner v Man City, in a vote that I can only assume was a misprint.

Player of the Season

Well, only 4 players even got a vote, and with over half of it, Robin Van Persie strolls home in first place. So it’s a memorable season for Robin, firstly he managed to play at least 15 games without one of his legs falling off, and secondly he scoops the Arsenal Times Player of the year award. Jack Wilshere comes second with about 22% and, Nasri collects the rest of them. Although it’s worth remembering that at the time of voting Samir was making doe eyes at Sir Alex Ferguson, and I suspect that has affected the vote.

Young Player of the Season

Rather predictably, Jack Wilshere romps home with 90% of the vote. Chesney collects the other 10%,the only other player mentioned. It’s unfortunate that Denilson falls outside the age category nowadays, or I am sure he would have attracted a fair proportion of our nominations.

Most Disappointing Player of the Season

Oh dear, how the mighty are fallen. Fabregas ran away with player of the year last year, and but will have to be satisfied with the wooden spoon this year, with 40% of the vote. Rosicky and Arshavin collect joint second place, in a bemusing result given their wildly different contributions to our season. Usual suspects Denilson, Bendnter and Diaby collect the minor places, however I suspect these are players whom nobody expects anything from any more.

Best Goal Against

In what now looks to be the highlight of his career, Danny Rose won last years AT award by a landslide, for his mishit effort over Almunia’s head at the Lane. So it is time for Chiek Tiote to go running for the hills this year, as his long range effort takes the prize with just under 50% of the vote. Perhaps it was the heart stopping nature of these two strikes that stays in our heads.  For the same reason perhaps, Messis’ flick and finish in the Barcelona away game comes in second with Huddlestones’ blasted effort in the 3-3 derby game coming close third, however these were a long way behind.  Other nominations include Alex’s goal for Chelsea, and, bizarrely given the nature of it, Oba Martins’ winner in the League Cup Final.

Match of the Season

I think we all knew the forerunners here, for there were only two possible winners. Sure enough, miles ahead of the others , the Barcelona home game wins with about 40% of votes, and the Boxing Day Chelsea win comes 2^nd with 25%. No other game gets a look-in, except for the 3-3 derby game, which reinforces the idea that people go for result over excitement, because the 3-3 game was surely the best of the three. No other game really gets a substantial mention, except for some unruly dissenter who voted for the Villa home game (ahem).

Best Home Atmosphere

A bit pointless this one, I’m getting rid of this question next year. Everybody went for Barcelona at home (60% approx) and the rest went for the Chelsea game. Someone insisted on voting for the Villa game again (well, it was definitely an atmosphere) and there was one stray vote for the Blackpool home game, which considering the fantastic turn out of their fans, makes sense actually.  But then perhaps this vote should have been in –

Best Away Fans

Well, it’s the lower league clubs who run away with this one. The votes were spread out with no runaway winner – Leeds steal a narrow victory from Orient with about 12% of the total vote. Of course it probably helps if you are given about 12,000 seats, but let’s not quibble. Blackpool and Villa feature amongst the Premier League sides (Villa had a fancy dress party and were, in my opinion far and away the best away showing of the season) – and Flava voted for SPURS. I thought I would just point this out. The survey is of course anonymous but I feel I must break ranks at this point and expose Flava as the person who voted TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR as having the best away fans.

Best Assist

Rather a hard one to mark this one, and I can see why the larger surveys of this nature go for the ‘multiple choice’ option. For a large number of you, the season is clearly little more than a red and white blur.  I got a lot of answers like ‘that one Nasri did’, and in one case, enigmatically, just the word ‘Arshavin’. Not prepared to watch all Arshavins’ many assists and determine which one my correspondent might be talking about, I am afraid this vote was discounted. Some of you voted for assists which didn’t actually happen (I checked). As with many aspects of the survey, the Arsenal v Barcelona game provided inspiration for the winning vote, it was Nasri to Arshavin for our ‘winning’ goal (exactly 25% of the vote). The runner up was Jack Wilsheres’ impish backheel in Europe against some load of Bratislava postmen that I have forgotten the name of(10%). Arshavin gets most of the other votes, although Songs excellent cross to Chamakhs’ head at Wolves also gets a mention.

Away Trip of the Season

Well, a few of you go away, and our 4-1 trouncing of Spurs at White Hart Lane was the very clear winner, with about 75% of the vote. Just shows how low our standards have dropped, frankly. The City away game featured as well. Probably because it was just about the only other big away game which we actually won.

Wengers’ biggest achievement of the season.

This is where the survey became quite fun to assess. Many of you broke ranks and only a few answered this question with a straight face. ‘Coming fourth in a two horse race’ attracted many votes, ‘keeping his job’ was another favourite. Of the serious ones, the emergence of Chesney as our number one keeper comes second (strangely, when you consider that Wenger only bought him in when he had exhausted all other options) I am afraid the narrow winner came from those of you lacking any kind of imagination, it was ‘beating Chelsea and Barcelona’ with about 25%.

Wengers biggest failure of the season.

Well, the postbag positively BURST with answers. Some of you saw this as less of a survey response and more the cathartic opportunity to let all the feelings of anger and frustration come pouring out. Obviously I loosely categorised the answers in order to determine the winning one. People’s top failure got three points, with two for their second, and so on. Runaway winner was failure to strengthen in January, with 22% of the total points. Failure to vary tactics was next, at 7.12%, not buying a new Centre back (at any stage of the season) was next (6.6%), rather amusingly, ‘buying Squillaci’ came next. The list of gripes was fairly long after that, ‘odd behaviour during games’ got a few mentions, ‘playing Bentdner out of position’ was popular. My favourite was ‘talking b*llocks’.

 NON ARSENAL SECTION

Best non-Arsenal football Achievement

Or seeing as we didn’t actually achieve anything, perhaps I could have dropped the ‘non Arsenal’ bit, but you get my drift. Well, the magnificent Wigan Athletic win the day (15%), with their Houdini like escape from relegation. We are a benevolent bunch, it seems, because Man United’s’ eternal capacity to climb out from the jaws of certain defeat comes second (10% approx). West Brom and Newcastle changing manager and not going down as a result, got a few mentions, miscellaneous congratulatory votes went to Swansea, Norwich, and Crawley Town for their promotions. Although Blackpool were relegated, some votes went to them for their swashbuckling (but ultimately unsuccessful) football style. Rather uncharitably, someone voted for Blackburn Rovers, for sacking perennial Arsenal favourite, Uncle SAM ALLARDYCE.

 Best non Arsenal match

Arsenal fans generally like to belittle the achievements of Pep Guardiola and Barcelona. But it seems that in private, when no-ones looking, we grudgingly acknowledge their wonderful free flowing football, as the best of its era. Barcelonas’ demolition of Real Madrid wins with 25% of the vote. Several of you continued the Spanish theme, and for some reason really enjoyed Real Madrids 4-0 dismissal of plucky North London minnows Tottenham Hotspur. The Champions League final makes up the top 3. Miscellaneous mentions went to Wigan 3 West Ham 2, Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland, the Swansea Reading play off final, and from one very cosmopolitan type, Napoli v Lazio.

Non Arsenal Player of the Season

Now I didn’t specify whether this should be World Football or English Premier League, but it seems some of you reined yourselves into home shores, because this is the only possible reason I can think of for Mr Carlos Tevez romping home with 25% of the vote, ahead of little known Argentina starlet Lionel Messi (20%). It seems we admire Nemanja Vidic as well (9.5%). Other honourable mentions should go to Charlie Adam, Rafael Van Der Vaart (!), the obligatory vote for Scott Parker, and, from someone who clearly thinks a little bit differently, DJ Campbell.

Best YOUNG non Arsenal Player of the Season

Chicarito, or whatever he calls himself, annihilates his competitors with 40% of the vote, although deep down I think we all know that next year the Mexican goal scoring machine on everybody’s lips will be Carlos Vela. Astoundingly, Gareth Bale comes next with a shocking 22.5%.  These were the main two winners, nobody else got but a handful of votes – Hart, Pedro, Sturridge, and from our cosmopolitan know-it-all element, Shinji Kagawa.

Most Hated Player of the Season

I have rather sad news. For the first time, an Arsenal player makes an appearance in this category. It appears that some of you don’t like Mr Denilson. You don’t like him at all, in fact. Not that he won the category, that honour is reserved for favourite tabloid rent-a-gob Patrice Evra who strolls home in first place (35%). In what is a clear warning to the man, cigar-toting midfield battler Joey Barton comes second, and the rest of the category simply reads as a list of Man United’s starting X1.

Most Hated Manager

The most predictable category of all, and with his only credible rival Phil Brown no longer eligible or this award, rugby coach Tony Pulis wins the day with 50% of all votes.  Traditional runner up, Sam Allardyce is second, with Mr Alex Ferguson collecting third place.

Tw@t of the Season

So vast, it appears, is the scope to choose from in this, the most open of categories, that it was difficult to determine the clear winner. In a second ominous warning to the tough-tackling jailbird Joey Barton, that surely he can never put on the famous red and white shirt, he is the narrow winner, but he can console himself in the knowledge that he was only a short head in front of Nani, and, rather unfortunately, Arsene Wenger. Not that our manager is the only Arsenal vote in this category – step forward Manuel Almunia. The rest of the list reads as a fairly standard Arsenal hate figure rogues gallery, they are all there, Phil Dowd, Mark Hughes, Allardyce (always the bridesmaid it seems), the entire squad of Stoke City Football Club, William Gallas, Tony Pulis, Patrice Evra, and in a vote for the ladies, Andy Grey. I feel a special mention must be given to forum regular Lewis, who voted for himself.

 THE FUTURE

                                            
Player we least want to leave

Last year Cesc Fabregas was the runaway winner of this category with, I seem to recall, the entire vote. This time, he wins, but, given his questionable behaviour over the past 12 months, and a rather poor season, he only brings in 36% of the election. It seems our hopes are invested heavily in young Jack Wilshere, who is a close runner up with 34%. Only two other players even feature, the ever pleasant and amenable RVP does handsomely in third (20%) and, perhaps with an inkling of what is to come, Nasri is the other to collect votes (10%)

Player who we most want to leave

Well, what a response. You were allowed to go for as many players as you liked, and some of you did not hold back, listing practically the entire first team squad. Cack-footed spotty disaster-zone Toto Squillaci (or whatever he is called) wins the day, (surely the only thing he will ever win.), narrowly ahead of the greasy fingered time bomb that is Manuel Almunia. Sideways passing non-entity Denilson is next, and in surely what is some kind of mistake, the Danish Pele himself, Niklas Bendnter comes next. Grandma Rosicky is next, and it seems some of you have been listening to the away fans chant at Fulham ‘Its Denilson's leaving party, take Eboue and Diaby’ because these two chancers are high up the list. Clichy, Chamakh, Gibbs, Song, all these got more than one vote, as did a certain Mr Cesc Fabregas. Probably the one player who will be celebrating this year is Lukas Fabianski, who was one of the runaway winners last season, but this year barely merits a mention. Then again, he was injured for most of it.

Should Wenger leave this summer?

Last year, nobody was prepared to break ranks, and, while he gets another year from 70% of you, that means 30% of you have had enough of him, with half of those saying that he should have left years ago.

Player we most want to sign

An open category this, and the chance for some of you to show your Football Manager 2011 credentials and name a load of players whom nobody else has heard of. It seems we are keenest to raid the Bundesliga this year, with Sebastian Schweinsteiger topping the vote. Most of you kept it sensible with realistic targets – Dortmund stopper Subotic comes next. There’s’ a few silly votes for the likes of Messi and Ronaldo – next sensible one is Benzema, then Christopher Samba. Interestingly, the future of world football Eden Hazard, does not feature that heavily at all. Amongst the stranger, rather unlikely votes were Gareth Bale, and Stephen Gerard.

Spurs Player we would most like in our team

There were more varied votes this year, an indication perhaps that their squad is half decent (for now anyway).  Winner of the category is Gail Tilsley lookalike Luca Modric, just ahead of simian full back Gareth Bale. But Sandro gets a few votes, Dawson, King, Van Der Vaart, a lot of them really. There’s’ even a cheeky little vote in there for the treacherous turncoat William Gallas.

Manager we would most like to see at Arsenal if Wenger leaves

We all seem a bit short of ideas here really, stock responses are David Moyes,  the rather optimistic Pep Guardiola, and, something that can now not happen, for the time being at least, Villas-Boas. Guardiola just wins from Gus Hiddink. There are mentions for Jurgen Klopp, and the standard lone voices asking for ‘the special one’ and someone asking for Martin bl**dy O’Neill.

 If you were stuck in a lift with Arsene Wenger what would you say to him

This is an open category obviously, there can’t be a winner, I just thought it would be fun to collect the answers. Most memorable and amusing were, in my opinion, the magnificent –

‘This is where you get off’

Or how about the rather clever

‘I would talk about myself’

What about this little rant from a disgruntled North Banker

"Thank you for your service to arsenal. But can you explain to me where the fleecing and ripping off of fans fits in with your idea of financial fair play and doing things the "right" way? You LOVE talking about value, well where is that value for fans paying more for a worsening team? Isn't like selling watered down heroin to junkies and charging them more for it? A kid could have told you our defence was sh*t"

 Several of you would ignore him, two of you would hit him, and surprisingly a few of you would shake him warmly by the hand and congratulate him for all he has done. One of you, in the time allowed, would try to hypnotise him into killing Sebastian Squillaci.

 THE CLUB

Biggest single thing Arsenal could do to improve atmosphere in the ground.

Some interesting answers here, because not all were about ‘bringing back standing’ - people have cottoned onto the fact that if the team played a bit better, lots of us would make more noise and stuff. In what might prove difficult from the structural perspective, some of you wish to carry out ground improvements to create an enormous Borussia Dortmund style KOP. Some would carry out as short Arsenal –knowledge test outside the ground (good idea that, but remember that some of us like to have a lot to drink before we turn up). Moving fans to the upper tier seems to be a popular one nowadays, as promoted by the BSM. Moving red action to the Clock End is another (although surely this would not help the North Bank). ‘Stella’ is another good answer (I agree with that one personally). ‘Compulsory Singing’ might be rather difficult to enforce.

Select which option currently describes your view of the current board

Straightforward multiple choice this, and a straightforward winner

b) They set out with the right vision but have badly lost their way

The rest of the answers are made up of ‘C – Spend some f*cking money’, with a very small handful of our overseas readers saying ‘they are doing a cracking job’. One person points out, very reasonably, I thought, that the board may not actually exist at all.

A direct follow on to this was the next question, ‘Would we be in favour of a sugar daddy type Abramovic figure buying the club?’ Now, last year, the response was a resounding ‘no’. But this year nearly 50% of voters appear not to care less what happens. Perhaps this is down to the fact that we are owned by one anyway nowadays, just one who doesn’t spend any money on the team. It seems, generally, that people are waking up to the fact that we live in a dirty world, and if you can’t beat them, join them.

Likewise, on the subject of seat prices, NOBODY thought seat prices are reasonable, with most opting for the ‘c, ‘F*CK OFF’ option rather than the simple ‘no’ vote. This survey was largely filled out directly in the wake of the %6.5 seat price rise, and shows just how disillusioned the majority of fans are, in my opinion.

With regard to how much money we need to spend on players, it is a direct split between c (25-50 million) and d) (50 million plus). Even the card carrying AKBs among us feel it might be time to put our hands in our pockets, with a couple of conservative 10-25 mil as the lowest amounts. In general, it seems the distaste for big spending is most definitely wearing off.

A slightly frivolous question  came next – ‘If every single Arsenal player left/was sold, would you be ‘Devastated/Mildly concerned/Quite pleased actually.’

Now I appreciate that this is a hypothetical question, and the only time it has happened, to my knowledge, was on Sky TVs’ ‘Dream Team’ (well, they killed them all in a coach fire) and at Leeds when they got relegated (more or less). So a lot of people, fearing the worst for the club, voted ‘a’, devastated. But these are evenly split with those who would be only  ‘mildly concerned’. Whilst a fair few (15% perhaps) would be quite happy to throw the baby out with the bathwater, wipe the slate clean, and start again. Alarming!

Lastly, for this section, my ‘finger on the pulse’ question about what people think about the term ‘AKB’. Now, I feel it is a necessary and fairly handy term, to be used in internet debating etc. for those that worship at the cathedral of Arsene Wenger, and there are still plenty about. A few agree with me, but the consensus seems to be the rather more politically correct view, that it is a harmful and divisive term that ‘polarises’ Arsenal fans and ‘divides them’. This is the overwhelming statement, so I will leave it at that. Or nearly, I will in fact finish this section with a summary of the term by perhaps one of the forums most unreconstructed card carrying AKBs (sorry) – who responded thus

‘AKB’ means ‘Arsene knows better’. And rightly so, no argument about that.      

A bit about ourselves.

Well, this is where I get nosey, but it is good to know who the forum attracts. Well, a healthy mixture of overseas and home grown supporters of all age groups, it would appear.  There are a few more American supporters who responded than last year, and I have noticed more Americans at the ground as well. A high number of us have been supporting Arsenal since the 1980’s and 1990’s, (and one who claims to have been a fan since ‘The Napoleon Bonaparte era’). Our favourite Arsenal player ever is Dennis Bergkamp, and practically NOBODY is planning to reduce their attendance at the theatre of disappointments, with many of us masochistically pledging to attend MORE next year. Our favourite football teams are a diverse arrangement of smaller clubs with the notable exception of ‘Barcelona’ who feature in quite a few peoples entries.

Of the nonsensical ‘tie breaker questions’ , the war between the fruit and vegetables would be won, it appears, by the vegetables, for their overall durability, with the strongly stated combative qualities of Brussels sprouts and the spear like aspect of the carrot. Although the potential for tomatoes being used as a clandestine ‘double agent’ was noted by more than one person. My favourite answer (in favour of fruit, in fact) was this -

‘The battlefield would be awash with mashed potatoes, mushed peas, diced carrots – total casserole carnage. Only the swedes would survive, as they would maintain Neutrality due to their constitution.’

When faced with imminent 20 minute Armageddon, with the inevitable breakdown of law and order, I am afraid quite a few of you would opt for what can only be described as morally dubious activities of one kind or another, with a strong emphasis, I am afraid, towards the narcotic and the sexual. Some would seek out religious solace, others would make a cup of tea and wait calmly for the end.  One of our number, who managed to bring his preferred condiment into more than one of his answers, in fact, would ‘overdose on Kikkoman soy sauce’.  Predictably, Mr Flava, who I seem to remember also having the last word in last years’ survey, would ’drink as much alcohol as possible.’

And on that note, dear readers, I will leave you. Doesn’t sound such a bad idea, considering the season we have had.

Cheers!