Interview With One Of Our Oldest Fans

Newcastle United is one of many clubs caught up in the commercialization of football, so I thought it might be a good idea to speak to one of our older fans, to see how his experience of the game has changed, I give you Nosher:

So Nosher could you tell me about your first experience at St James' Park?

Aye, well in them days of course he wasn't a saint yet, so we would attend the right reverend James' Park every Saturday. It cost three and six to get in unless you had a gerbil, then it was tuppence, and you got to sit in the posh end.

We would all be decked out in black and white, mind so was everyone in those days as the BBC had yet to invent colour, and we would cheer on the lad.

The following season the lad got a few friends and frankly it was better to cheer on the lads instead.

And I believe you got an early call up to be part of the team?

Aye, it was a Sunday game, and in those days when a game was played on a Sunday you had to play in top hat and tails, and of course you had to have a moustache, it being compulsory, what with me being three I had to borrow my father's moustache, and he warned me that he would be forced to flay the skin off me, should I muddy it.

So as you can understand it was with a sense of trepidation, which I wandered out onto the hallowed turf. I had only finished potty training the week before, and me bladder was still to reach its full potential.

Still I managed a hatrick. And there was none of that kissing and cuddling that you see now. No, when we scored we just gave each other a manly punch on the chin.

How did your first derby go?

Well we had to play Sunderland in the morning, what with the mammoths grazing time at Roker Park.

Their team captain was late because he had to stay in and shave his mother and talk his wife down from a tree. Through a series of grunts, we understood that their keeper had eaten the ball and we would have to play with a monkey's heed.

So after the sacrifice of their manager to the local gods we kicked off.

They had a big hard centre back who had broke my leg in 37 places the week before (while I might add he was off side and I was sitting in the crowd) still I took an aspirin and played with me leg in plaster.

It was a close game, which was interrupted by what we were told later was a female stripper, but being a mackems, personally I thought she was wearing a fur coat.

We used to play 16 hours each way in those days, and we were only up by 17,000 when bad light stopped play.

Nosher's memories will continue, but it has to be stated that his memory is failing and all events mentioned may not be entirely accurate. I would also like to apologize for any offence caused, except to mackems, who if they have persuaded someone to read this out loud for them, deserve it.