The Golden Squillacis Awards and The Non Arsenal World Pt 4

As Celine Dion's mighty epic rolls on with section 4 of his survey he introduces a new category this year, and one in honour of the great man himself. This award is given to the player who committed the most horrific defensive calamity over the season. Of course, the danger was always that Squillaci might get enough opportunities in the first team to carry the trophy off himself, and he does fantastically well to get a nomination with his only appearance, with his comically inept cameo at Fulham.

However, there are worthier mentions. The ‘whole team’ is nominated for their apocalyptic defending of set pieces at Blackburn. Mertesacker gets a mention for his grand national – type collapse at Sunderland, rather cruelly I think given that it was his cruciate ligament that went. Thomas Vermaelen then takes up the running, firstly with his groggy and disorientated performance at AC Milan, particularly where he lay down for their third goal, as if at a picnic, then with his winning entry, the fabulously gung-ho performance at home to Norwich, where his insistence in playing the entire game at Centre Forward, meant we conceded a potentially cataclysmic three goals. I approached Thomas to see if he wanted to collect the award personally and I am yet to receive his response.

The Non Arsenal World  Section

Best Non Arsenal achievement of the Season

Given that some of you submitted your entries before Chelsea’s improbable Champions League victory, and some after, this might have been a bit distorted. We get a nice neutral winner though, lovely Newcastle, a team nobody really minds, with their impressive finish at the near-top of the league. Chelsea then bowl in second. Surprisingly, considering their rather large outlay in securing the trophy, Manchester City winning the league come third. There are always a few votes for Wigan, and this year is no exception. There are some sarcastic mentions for Tottenham Hotspur and their descent down the league as well.

Best Non Arsenal Match

Manchester United always feature strongly here. But this year it is their two most uncomfortable moments that come joint top. Firstly their horrendous 6-1 reverse at home to the ‘noisy neighbours’, and then the 4-4 collapse at home to Everton, which of course ultimately lost them the league. City beating Spurs at the Lane comes third, other popular ones was the final day City QPR game, which would be my vote, and, quite inexplicably, Sunderland v Man City for one voter.

Non Arsenal Player of the Season

Nice category to mark this one, you tend to get a good spread of genuinely interesting answers. Most interesting, and I am not even sure the contributor was being sarcastic, was the vote for Andy Carroll. Of the sensible votes, dependable man mountain Vincent Kompany comes top with a very respectable 35% of all total votes.  He just beats diminutive goal-getter Sergio Aguero who got 25%, and Manchester City round off a clean sweep of proceedings with the imposing Yaya Toure who clinches third. Other mentions were Newcastle’s Ba and Cisse, more City players in the shape of Joe Hart and Silva, and the obligatory vote for good old Wayne Rooney.

World Player of the Season

Straight battle between prancing primadonna Cristiano Ronaldo and the bionic phenomenon Lionel Messi this one, despite someone putting a fairly strong case together for Robin Van Persie. And its Messi who wins, with 60 odd percent of the votes. I rang Barcelona FC to let him know, but apparently he wasn’t there.

Young World Player of the Season

My interest in sensible categories was starting to flag by this point it must be said. Which is a shame because people put all kinds of reasoning and painstaking research into their answers. Apparently, you all spend a healthy amount of time watching obscure football leagues, and meticulously assessing the qualities of the up and coming superstars therein. Although Sergio Aguero wins, with 21%, we then have Kristian Eriksen, who I am assured plays for Ajax or someone, Nick Powell, who apparently several of you have been watching closely at Crewe Alexandra, someone called Taylor from Bolton, Neymar, and, from someone who clearly didn’t spot the word ‘World’ in the heading, Kyle Walker.

Most Disliked Player/twit Of The Season

A bit of a crossover here, between this and the er, ‘twit’ of the season category that follows. You might just not like someone, I suppose, without them being a twit. However, the results are pretty much the same, so I have amalgamated the categories. The winner is someone who is clearly  a tw*t, sorry ‘twit’ and who nobody likes either. Step forward semi-psychotic floppy haired internet troll Joey Barton, who gallops clear of a diverse field with three times as many votes as anyone else. John Terry comes next, for his many and varied contributions to tabloid sales over the season, and surprisingly, frying-pan faced turncoat Samir Nasri comes quite low down in third place. Honourable mentions go to Balotelli, Adebayor, and good old non-racist Luis Suarez.

Dont Go! Managerial sacking you were most disappointed by...

Well, being honest, this was a thinly veiled chance to fondly reflect on the dual efforts of the terminally bewildered Kenny Dalglish and the squirrel-like saboteur Andre Villas Boas, to dismantle their respective football clubs in as little time as possible, over the course of the season.  So it was disappointing that so many of you misinterpreted the purpose of this section and offered what appears to be genuine sympathy for Mick ‘monotone’ McCarthy. Nevertheless, Mick comes bottom of the top three, something he will be fairly familiar with, and in the main event, AVB and his ‘project’ is just pipped by free-spending senior citizen Kenny Dalglish, as the manager we believe was relieved of his duties before the full glory of their potential achievement could be realised.

End Section 4

Sections 1-3 can be read by clicking on the links below.