Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee demand


those were the days
By Celine Dion
July 30 2013

Arsenal FC raised eyebrows in the football world yesterday as they announced their intention to field NO PLAYERS WHATSOEVER during the new football season.

It is understood that the club hierarchy have lost patience with the level of transfer fees demanded by modern day clubs for players, and not so modern ones like Liverpool; and the increasing expense involved in recruiting them via football agents.  Therefore in what many will see as a risky move, have simply decided to do away with all players altogether. American owner Stan Kroenke apparently raised his concerns about the necessity of buying footballers, and paying high wages,  as early as 2011, and club insiders have been fighting a losing battle to convince him otherwise ever since.

As club marketing spokesman Mark Gonnoreah explained during a packed press conference

‘Arsenal has been at the cutting edge of football development for many years, with our state of the art stadium, outlandish transfer purchases, and extremely expensive match day refreshments. We have thought long and hard about how to take our brand to the next stage and we are proud to announce that as of season 2013-14 we will have become the world’s first ‘Player-free Football Brand’.  Here at Arsenal we are proud of our self sustainable financial record in modern football, and we feel that with the sale of our entire playing staff, we will have consolidated the stability of our brand long into the Financial Fair Play era and well up until the point that we sell all our shares.’

With Arsenal fans already paying the highest season ticket prices in the country, some supporters groups have expressed concerns that, in fielding no players whatsoever, Arsenal might fall further behind the likes of big spending Chelsea and Manchester City. Others however have pointed to Club Manager Arsene Wenger’s questionable transfer record over the last six years, and can see the immediate benefits of this new policy.

According to club insiders, for home games next season, rather than the traditional Premier League fixture, Wenger will simply walk onto the pitch, to rapturous applause from the stands. A highlight video of Arsenals ‘Invincible Season’ will play out over the big screen, before a financial statement is read out on the loud speaker system. Marketing surveys show that at least half the Arsenal fan base will be perfectly happy with this development, and the club has seen a steady rise in memberships since the announcement.

Of course, the path to removing their entire playing staff will not be straightforward. It has been an open secret that Wenger has been trying to jettison at least half his first team squad for many years.  It is thought that, as part of the redundancy programme, some players will have to be found new positions outside football. Marouane Chamakh is thought to be keen to become a taxi driver, whilst Tomas Rosicky is to start his own private detective agency, specialising in long term disappearances. Other players will not be so fortunate. Abou Diaby will be sold to the London University Hospital, whilst delusional Danish striking sensation Niklas Bendtner has agreed to go on Social Security.

A spokesman for North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur expressed cautious optimism at the news. In recent years, despite affording them a head start of several points, Arsenal have always clawed back the deficit in the final days of the season, to finish above their rivals. With Arsenal fielding no players whatsoever, Tottenham might feel that this year might be their year. ‘But I won’t be betting on it...’ he said, sadly.

pqs: qs:
Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Arsenal Times (IP Logged)
Date: 30/07/2013 16:41

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Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 2013:08:03:19:50:55 by Padre Pio.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Philly the kid (IP Logged)
Date: 30/07/2013 16:55

(Sm22)
You been on the sauce again Celine?
(Sm6)
Funny ba$tard!!
You forgot 1 thing though..... We'd still have the possibility of European football, via winning the fair play league every year, wouldn't we? (Sm100)

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Shane (IP Logged)
Date: 30/07/2013 17:19

I admire anyone who can be satirical about the downfall of his own club whilst also mocking Tottenham.

Good post.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Padre Pio (IP Logged)
Date: 30/07/2013 17:30

Yes Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca always had Paris, and Celine will always have Tottenham



- until Wenger moves on, they'll always be the also-rans in the major competitions. A club in elite purgatory. Always good enough to make it to the big race, never fast or smart enough to push over the finish line in first place. That's all about the manager. Until he changes, Arsenal fans will continue to celebrate glorious failure.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: RadioFreeArsenal (IP Logged)
Date: 30/07/2013 23:21

Sheer brilliance Celine-the Forum's very own
Jonathan Swift

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: mapleleafgooner (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 02:26

I thought Plan B is Sanogo.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: JimmyJims (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 04:49

If this is true then Wenger really has loosed the plot.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Bergmars (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 09:37

(Sm152)(Sm128)

Bravo Mr Dion.



DB10,the best.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Padre Pio (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 10:49

Of course its true Jimmy but Wenger is doing it in stages and not quite as quickly as in Mr Dion's excellent article



- until Wenger moves on, they'll always be the also-rans in the major competitions. A club in elite purgatory. Always good enough to make it to the big race, never fast or smart enough to push over the finish line in first place. That's all about the manager. Until he changes, Arsenal fans will continue to celebrate glorious failure.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: JimmyJims (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 13:43

Quote:
Padre Pio
Of course its true Jimmy but Wenger is doing it in stages and not quite as quickly as in Mr Dion's excellent article

But surely playing the bad team is better than playing thin air. I dont go to the games but how on earth will ppl put up with goals after goals in our our net and nobody shooting back

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Merlion96 (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 14:29

Under Company Acts, in that line "Type of Business"?

"Selling professional footballers"?

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: celine dion (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 15:40

Quote:
JimmyJims
Quote:
Padre Pio
Of course its true Jimmy but Wenger is doing it in stages and not quite as quickly as in Mr Dion's excellent article

But surely playing the bad team is better than playing thin air. I dont go to the games but how on earth will ppl put up with goals after goals in our our net and nobody shooting back

Jimmy jims i perhaps should point out at this juncture that the subject matter of this piece is not 100% serious.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: eduardo (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 15:54

say it aint so celine, say it aint so



*Signing Ozil is a signing Bergkamp type moment for Arsenal. It changes things utterly.*

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: RadioFreeArsenal (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 16:33

Eddy its satire FFS. You could take off your blindfaithers - oops blinders - and appreciate this for what it is which - no matter which side of the fence you're on -is pretty damned funny and creative.

One more piece of proof you're nothing but a blind faither.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: eduardo (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 16:41

radio you really should give up your obsession with me and maybe then you would not make such a big fool of yourself so often, now run along and ask a grown up, parent or guardian to explain how you have done it this time. What a clown you are.



*Signing Ozil is a signing Bergkamp type moment for Arsenal. It changes things utterly.*

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: RadioFreeArsenal (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 17:29

(Sm22)

I suppose I am supposed to feel insulted and put in my place but instead I feel like I cannot understand what you are actually saying there. What exactly are you saying there?

BTW don't flatter yourself nobody is obsessed with you. I'm not anyway. I just think you're a bit of a fraud is all. More than a bit.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Padre Pio (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 17:42

Say it aint so is an ironc expression with no edge to it at all. do calm down.



- until Wenger moves on, they'll always be the also-rans in the major competitions. A club in elite purgatory. Always good enough to make it to the big race, never fast or smart enough to push over the finish line in first place. That's all about the manager. Until he changes, Arsenal fans will continue to celebrate glorious failure.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: RadioFreeArsenal (IP Logged)
Date: 31/07/2013 18:15

I'm perfectly calm.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: weedz (IP Logged)
Date: 01/08/2013 08:08

Quote:
JimmyJims
If this is true then Wenger really has loosed the plot.

(Sm6)Is that you Tom? Fancy new user-name, mate.(Sm22)

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Eboractos (IP Logged)
Date: 01/08/2013 08:18

Quote:
RadioFreeArsenal
Eddy its satire FFS. You could take off your blindfaithers - oops blinders - and appreciate this for what it is which - no matter which side of the fence you're on -is pretty damned funny and creative.
One more piece of proof you're nothing but a blind faither.

And the thread ruiner strikes again

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: Philly the kid (IP Logged)
Date: 01/08/2013 08:30

Quote:
Eboractos
Quote:
RadioFreeArsenal
Eddy its satire FFS. You could take off your blindfaithers - oops blinders - and appreciate this for what it is which - no matter which side of the fence you're on -is pretty damned funny and creative.
One more piece of proof you're nothing but a blind faither.

And the thread ruiner strikes again

Got that right Ebo'.
thumbs down

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: thumbisam (IP Logged)
Date: 03/04/2015 06:26

will Wanyama play next game against Liverpool?

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: goonawin (IP Logged)
Date: 03/04/2015 13:48

Celine, I just read this for the first time. Brilliant. Miss your posts. Happy to see Padre is writing again.

Re: Arsenal have plan B to deal with Liverpool's high fee
Posted by: tigerline (IP Logged)
Date: 04/04/2015 00:15

Yeah, this is classic stuff.

A little too close to the reality of it all.

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