Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?


By Celine Dion
December 12 2017

Arsene Wenger is believed to have written to world footballs governing body FIFA proposing a set of rule changes that would revolutionise the modern game as it is known. If Wengers ideas are accepted, they will not only signify the biggest changes to association football since its invention in 1996, but also restore Arsenal to their rightful place at the head of Europe’s footballing elite.

As most readers will be aware, traditionally the winner of a  football match is determined by the number of times the ball is kicked, or headed, into the opposing teams net, or ‘goal’. But according to an insider at the Emirates stadium, Wenger's proposals, if implemented, would DO AWAY with this method altogether.

Wenger is understood to have become increasingly disillusioned with the traditional means of scoring football matches, particularly as in recent years, teams such as Watford, Crystal Palace, and Bradford City have devised methods of putting the goal into Arsenal’s goal several more times than Arsenal manage to place the ball into theirs. Matters apparently came to a head after a recent premier league encounter with Manchester United. Arsenal turned in a performance of the highest calibre and Wenger is believed to have been overjoyed with his players, warmly congratulating them after the match. However his joy turned to incandescent rage the following Monday when Wenger opened the newspaper to discover that the Premier League had still awarded the three points to Manchester United, on the flimsy pretext that they had scored more goals than Arsenal on the night.

Wengers alternative scoring system is believed to encompass a more subjective set of criteria. Based on Olympic ice skating, a panel of judges, approved of by Wenger, would award points to each team depending on levels of ‘class’ ‘style’ ‘highlighted hair’ ‘beards’ and ‘beautiful football’. Points would be deducted for ‘defending’ ‘tackling’ , ‘pushing’, ‘being nasty’, ‘fielding an insufficient number of French players’ and ‘upsetting Mezut Ozil’.

Wenger's staff are supposed to be largely behind his proposed changes. ‘Steve Bould wasn’t too keen at first, as he is a firm believer in the traditional rules of football’ our insider explained ‘but since a rumoured lobotomy, he is inclined to see things Arsene's way’. Meanwhile Ivan Gazidis is believed to be very keen on the blueprint, as not only would Arsenal be able to save money on goal nets and white posts, but potentially they could also get rid of Arsenal’s expensive electronic score boards. Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke apparently has no knowledge of the rules of football so has no strong views either way. Meanwhile Wengers new rules mean there could be changes afoot within the playing staff. With less, or indeed no importance attached to goals, a return to Arsenal could be on the cards for French striker Yaya Sanogo, who would partner Danny Welbeck up front.

Wenger supporters also expressed keen interest in his new rules. Now believed to number no more than 50 or 60 people within the British isles, most have taken to living an underground bunker near Wengers house, where, dressed in long puffer coats, they listen to recordings of his most obtuse and incomprehensible press conferences and await the ‘Coming of Arsene’, the mythological day when Arsenal win both the league title and European Cup; and simultaneously the earth will be torn asunder and the four horsemen of the apocalypse visit from blackened skies summoning forth Wenger who will sit in judgement of all mankind in its final hour.

We managed to speak to one of Wenger's disciples outside his holy temple yesterday. The  fan, who did not want to be named, but said he came from the Blackburn area, was ‘over the moon’ with Wenger's set of rule changes. ‘I have trouble counting properly at the best of times’ he said ‘so anything that makes it easier for me to blatantly disregard the fundamentals of football whilst sitting on the internet all day promoting Arsene Wenger as some kind of deity is right up my street...’

pqs: qs:
Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Arsenal Times (IP Logged)
Date: 12/12/2017 17:16

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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2017:12:16:17:54:15 by Padre Pio.

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: MattySadler (IP Logged)
Date: 12/12/2017 19:54

The man is a genius.

Celine I mean, not Wenger.

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Merlion96 (IP Logged)
Date: 12/12/2017 21:08

Even with the new rules, we are still 4th best with Abu Dhabi City, Liverpool and Tiny Totts ahead of us on points.

Again, we will be knocked out of CL Cup by the likes of Real, Barca, Bayern Munich, PSG, Juventus and Milan who are light-years ahead of us playing Beautiful Football with Beautiful People.



'In the end the most satisfying solution is the one where you have cleared everything away and there is no solution at all any more, at the same time, the problem has been solved. That's the nicest way of doing it.'
Brilliant Orange [2010]

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Shane (IP Logged)
Date: 12/12/2017 22:36

"If Wengers ideas are accepted, they will not only signify the biggest changes to association football since its invention in 1996, but also restore Arsenal to their rightful place at the head of Europe’s footballing elite."

This is a great line.

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Padre Pio (IP Logged)
Date: 13/12/2017 10:29

Herbert Chapman pointed out that the team who scores the most goals wins. So I passed this on after our defeat by Man U, only to be told by Wengerite Keyboard warriors that I was stating the obvious. They then continued to complain that the best team had unfairly lost



- until Wenger moves on, they'll always be the also-rans in the major competitions. A club in elite purgatory. Always good enough to make it to the big race, never fast or smart enough to push over the finish line in first place. That's all about the manager. Until he changes, Arsenal fans will continue to celebrate glorious failure.

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Shane (IP Logged)
Date: 13/12/2017 14:17

For the sake of balance, the Arsenal fans who hate Wenger also bend the rules and fundamental principles of football to suit their agenda when the situation calls for it mate, in the exact same way as the Wenger apologists do.

Yes, the team that scores the most goals wins the game - very straightforward, but not when Arsenal do that. When Arsenal score most goals in a big game, we complicate the rules and quite often deflect attention away from the team by highlighting something about the opposition which made the win possible: Hazard missed a one-on-one that he usually scores, Mourinho fielded a weakened team, Kane clearly wasn't fit, if Sanchez got that red card he deserved three games ago then he wouldn't be playing and thus we wouldn't have won.

As good as Celine's satirical piece is here, there really is grounds for writing one on the opposite end of the spectrum, one about mocking the group that have a strong dislike for Wenger, and it would be just as valid. There's a pair of you's in it really.

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Padre Pio (IP Logged)
Date: 13/12/2017 16:26

One of my favorourite all time wins is the 2005 cup final, where we roped a doped. No complaint from me.



- until Wenger moves on, they'll always be the also-rans in the major competitions. A club in elite purgatory. Always good enough to make it to the big race, never fast or smart enough to push over the finish line in first place. That's all about the manager. Until he changes, Arsenal fans will continue to celebrate glorious failure.

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: SandyB (IP Logged)
Date: 13/12/2017 22:01

Dang!! I think this new Wenger rule rocks, this will surely award 3 points for 0-0 game against Westham!!

Re: Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
Posted by: Padre Pio (IP Logged)
Date: 13/12/2017 23:32

Yes 19 off target shots must be worth at least 3 goals



- until Wenger moves on, they'll always be the also-rans in the major competitions. A club in elite purgatory. Always good enough to make it to the big race, never fast or smart enough to push over the finish line in first place. That's all about the manager. Until he changes, Arsenal fans will continue to celebrate glorious failure.

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