By Dan Smith
June 13 2002
A host of jokes about Peterborough United that I'm sure any U's fan will laugh at, any football fan for that matter! Apologies to anyone who finds any of these jokes offensive, unless of course you are a Boro fan. If you have anymore jokes that you would like to see added to this page, e-mail them to us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the first U's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The second U's fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Boro fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the first U's cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the second U's cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Boro cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Boro fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Boro hat, I find an arsehole."
The FA had to step in to prevent Peterborough's latest sponsorship deal. They signed a mega new contract with the pet-food firm 'Spillers'. An FA spokesman said that it would be fraud to have Boro players with "Winnalot" on their shirts!
A Boro fan visits an orchard and asks how much the apples are.
"You can pick as many as you like for a fiver", he is told.
"Great" he replies "I'll have a tenners worth"
Apparently, Barry Fry offered to send the Peterborough squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida, but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
A Boro fan says to his mate "What would you do if you won the Lottery?"
"Easy! I'd buy a controlling interest in Posh" says the mate.
"Yeah but what if you got 4 numbers?"
A reporter from Anglia News is interviewing Barry Fry and John Taylor. He first asks Barry what his long term plans for Peterborough are.
Barry replies "Well, I see us becoming a good, average Second Division team, who don't even get involved in relegation issues."
The reporter then puts the same question to Shaggy, who answers "I think that, once we secure promotion, we will be able to mount a successful challenge to the Second Division title. After that probably the FA Cup and possibly the Worthington Cup."
"Don't you think that's a little bit over-optimistic, John?" asks the interviewer.
To which Shaggy replies "Well, Barry started it!"
Two Boro fans are walking along the street. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke!"
The second one picks it up, looks into the mirror and says "Of course you do, you idiot - its me!"
A Boro fan was drinking in a Cambridge pub when the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. The Boro fan had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spat in my beer."
When he returned to the his bar stool 2 minutes later, there was another note beside his beer:
"I spat in your beer too!"
How do we know Jesus didn't come from Peterborough?
Because in Peterborough we couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!
A Boro fan was shopping in the local supermarket. He picked up a tin of soup for one, a small pizza and one pint of milk. He went to the check out to pay for his goods. The check out girl asked him "Are you single?"
The Boro fan replied "Yes I am. Did you guess from the food I'm buying?"
"No," the check out girl replied. "Your ugly!"
A U's van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Posh fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous blue and white colours. He would swerve to hit them, there would be a loud "THUD" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem Father! I'll give you a lift! climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a Boro fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Boro fan. However even though he was certain he missed the Posh fan, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Boro fan," "That's okay" replied the priest. "I got him with the door"
A primary teacher starts a new job in Cambridgeshire and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Peterborough fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Boro fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?“
"Because I'm not a Boro fan miss,“ she replies.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: “Well, if you're not a Boro fan, then who are you a fan of?“
"I'm a Cambridge United fan, and proud of it,“ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cambridge fan?“
"Because my mum and dad are from Cambridge, and my mum is a U's fan, my dad is a U's fan, so I'm a U's fan too!“ “Well,“ said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, “that's no reason for you to be a Cambridge fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time! What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief? What would you be then?“
"Then,“ Mary smiled, “I'd be a Peterborough fan...“
What is the difference between a Boro Fan and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
What do you have when 100 Posh Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Boro Fan in the Road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What do you call 20 Boro Fans skydiving from an airplane?
Barry Fry was out shopping one day, in Queensgate Shopping Centre (no, really, they have shops), when he saw an old lady struggling with her shopping.
Fry: "Can you manage, luv?"
Lady: "Up yours Fry! You took the job, you're stuck with it!"