Article: Goodbye Al. Tyne Talk Remembers

By Scott R
May 13 2006

Alan “Erasmus” Shearer (OBE, BFG, JFK) was born on the 13th August 1970 the village of Newcastle somewhere in Scotland. I remember the day well even though I hadn’t yet been born. The Earth trembled, lightning flashed from the sky and the Oceans boiled from their black, lightless depths. The natural order had been disturbed and a god was unleashed upon the world.

Young Alan’s early years were fraught with peril. Not fully aware of the extent of his powers he was inducted into a strange cult at an early age, recognized in later years by the media as “Wallsend Boys Club”. As a school boy growing into adolescence Shearer’s powers began to grow more and more obvious (like a latter day Clark Kent) but in a move of unparalleled genius Newcastle United rejected the opportunity to sign him to an apprentice contract recognizing that it would make much more sense to spend a fortune on him instead a few years later.

Instead of a contract with his boyhood idols, Shearer instead signed an apprenticeship deal with Southampton aged 16. Fortunately for Alan he was already too tall to serve as a chimney sweep and was instead inducted into their football programme. Making his full senior debut aged 17 against Arsenal he became the youngest ever footballer to score a hat trick in top flight football, a record set by Jimmy Greaves which had stood for over 30 years. With one game Shearer once and for all proved that Geordies are inherently superior to Cockneys.

Shearer was gradually eased into the Southampton first team over the next few years and after regular appearances at under 21 level (in a move which proved even Vegetables have more common sense that some senior staff at Newcastle) he was awarded his full England debut against France in 1992 aged 21 by Turnip Taylor. Starting as he meant to go on, the young Shearer scored one of England’s 2 goals.

The next major milestone in the young godling’s rising career was a move to the blue print club for Chelsea. Namely a £3.6m transfer to Jack Walker funded Blackburn Rovers turning down, and not for the last time, Alex Ferguson’s offer from Manchester United. The goals for club and country flooded in and despite narrowly missing out on the title Shearer received the first of his many accolades winning the football writers “Footballer of the Year” award.

The next year saw Shearer add silverware to his personal success. His new strike partnership with Chris Sutton (the pair were nicknamed “SAS” for the many covert operations they performed for our country during the Gulf War) resulted in a flood of goals and the only Premiership title he would win. More honours flooded in “PFA Player of Year” and “Blackburn Playa of the year” to honour his eye for the ladies.

In a thinly veiled insult to the boring town of Blackburn, which was full of ugly women, Shearer famously quipped that he would celebrating the award by creosoting his fence. Presumably as it was the most interesting thing on offer.

It was around about this time Shearer began to appreciate just how much better the North East is then anywhere else. A goal drought for England leading up to the Euro 96 tournament led to many sections of the cockney media and a great many fickle, ignorant England fans claim that Shearer was past it (an accusation he would ram down peoples throats for years to come). In true godlike fashion he took Euro 96 by storm, scoring against every team (including Germany) in the semi final defeat. “Past it? Take that you Cockney fools” is what he might have said.

It was time for the God to come home. Snubbing Manchester United again Keegan paid a then club record £15m and the fans who would idolize him (while others incorrectly doubted) had a hero worthy of their worship. God now had his temple.

The price tag and pressure of wearing the number nine shirt had absolutely no effect on Shearer who continued to be prolific for club and country earning his second PFA player of the year award and healing the sick with his touch, saving the NHS millions every year. Shortly afterward Shearer was to suffer one of the major injuries of his career, damaging his cruciate ligaments when trying to win a drunken bet by proving that he could, in fact, leap tall buildings in a single stride. Unfortunately his healing powers worked only on others.

It would prove to be a miserable season for the Newcastle hero. Injury restricted his appearances, an FA cup final lost after striking the wood work at a crucial stage of the match and a “stamping” incident in which it was claimed he attacked Neil Lennon.

In a continuation of the media campaign occasionally waged against him this incident was blown entirely out of proportion. Used as evidence of his “violent behaviour” by pansy a*s proponents of the game and accused by a nobody FA chump of threatening to walk out on England if punished it is often overlooked that the referee, Shearer and LENNON himself (who featured in tonight’s testimonial to the great man) all believed the incident to be accidental. It is farcical that he was even brought in front of the FA in the first place. Either that or Shearer has mind altering psychic powers. That, in my opinion, seems less likely.

Not content with allowing things to go smoothly the upper echelons at Newcastle United decided to attempt a coup de grace and appointed a manager who had publicly called the purchase of Newcastle’s prize asset “crazy” and who had also publicly said Alan Shearer was “only a goal scorer”. It was a move of absolutely contemptible stupidity. Either that or it was a move of pure genius. That, in my opinion, seems less likely.

The predictable poor relationship which saw another FA Cup final defeat along the way culminated in Shearer being dropped to the bench for a game no Geordie wants to lose. The local derby against rivals Sunderland. A gutless performance, typical of life under Gullit, saw him depart the club for pastures new. You don’t take on a God and win no matter how springy your dreadlocks.

Thwarted in their first attempt to upset the apple cart the upper echelons struck again. Caught in a tabloid sting insulting both the people of the local area and calling Shearer “Mary Poppins” the greedy, grasping incompetent f*cknuts somehow survived to fight another day. Needless to say. Their constant failure to deliver in contrast to Super Al who never fails has not gone unnoticed by the money paying public.

Around his thirtieth birthday Shearer announced his decision to retire from International football to concentrate on the club he’s always loved. Once again the media and cripplingly ignorant fan base questioned the motives behind the announcement which underscores the reasons why he made the decision he did. He loves us as much as we love him. As one local taxi driver put it “If I found Alan Shearer in bed with my wife. I’d put a blanket on him”.

Silverware continued to elude Newcastle but the personal achievements kept falling to Shearer’s brilliance. Perhaps the most significant on the 4th of February 2006 when he surpassed Milburn’s goal scoring record netting against Portsmouth for his 201st club goal. A huge achievement by a brilliant footballer.

He played his final game for Newcastle on the 17th April. Injured by the worst team in the league after doing his part to heap humiliation upon their shoulders. A fitting signing off since that team was Sunderland.

Shearer intends to take a break from football in an effort to develop a cure for male pattern baldness but he will never be forgotten and we all expect him to come back and manage the club he served so faithfully as a player. Those of us lucky enough to see him will remember the man and his goals.

Those of us lucky enough to speak with him will never forget his inspirational words.

“Listen you f*cjking pr*ck. If I catch you on my property with that camera one more time I’ll shove it up your f*cking ar*e. Now f*ck off.”

Goodbye Wor Al…… for now.